Before this, I was in Antigua, Guatemala, for three-ish weeks. As usual, every destination I visit tends to offer a new lesson (or remind me of an old one). This colorful little city surrounded by volcanos (one of which erupted while I was there!) was no different.

My goal for this Substack is to send a weekly newsletter, but as you can tell I got a bit behind already! I had so many ideas of what I wanted to include in this email, but in an effort to get this out into the world and say “fuck perfection!,” I’m not overthinking it. So please excuse any bad grammar. ;) ilding a house is no joke! Anyway… on to the content!

My Uber Lady Saved My Life

Okay, that’s a bit dramatic. But when my Airbnb host ignored my messages and didn’t have anyone on site to let me into the building, Marjorie drove me all around town to show me the sites while I figured out what the hell I was going to do. Then we went and grabbed food at this amaaaaaaazing chicharrón (fried pork belly) street food spot.

We chatted. We laughed a ton. And we had a strange amount of things in common, like our favorite movie Lord of the Rings. Also, she usually never Ubers at night as a woman, with the city being not the safest. That night was her first time driving at night, despite her husband not being too keen about it.

I don’t think it was a coincidence.

By the end of the night before she took me to my new hostel, she told me that if I didn’t already have a place, she wished I could stay at hers. What a gem!

“Camp” Introductions: Tarot Card

During our introductions, we all pulled a card. Then we had to relate it back to our reason for being here. The accuracy of this was incredible.

Cobbin’ in Costa Rica

What is a cob home, you say? I’ll let ChatGPT answer that for you:

Week one was foundation week! It rained all day, every day. Apprently, this is one of the most difficult builds our instructor, Nico (who’s also an architect) has ever done because of the rain and climate. We dug out the perimeter of the structure and created our drainage system, then laid out the the foundation with tires and coral rock, which is just one of several foundation options. It’s apparently been difficult to source some of the supplies here, but thankfully there are many ways and options to build with cob. We added the first few layers to our cob floor and completed part one of the door frame.

This week we are building the cob walls! More on that in the next newsletter.

Some photos from the week:

I’ll leave you with this:

What tiny nudges or “silly” ideas have you been ignoring or pushing to the side? What’s stopping you from pursuing it?

Until next week!

Caitlin

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For a few nights in a row, I walked around the (incredibly uneven) streets of Antigua for what seemed like forever. Down this street, and that street, passing tons of new restaurants…

…and then passing the same ones…again and again.

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I didn’t expect being alone here was going to be so stressful. I’m a “solo traveler!”

But honestly, this is the first time I’ve really been absolutely alone the entire time and without a plan or reason for being somewhere.

Doing things alone or in any kind of spotlight where I could be judged has always been difficult for me. While I had thought I had made some improvements in that category, this scenario made it apparent that I hadn’t.

*Cue the frustration.*

This constant, subconscious fear was bringing quite a bit of inner chaos to the surface: Negative thoughts. Overthinking. Old patterns. An unexpected deep sense of loneliness.

I didn’t notice that this stress was bleeding into all parts of me. It became negative self-talk, worries about money, questioning my choices, and doubting my abilities that I had been SO confident about just a few days prior.

Why is it that when you’re so deep in that head space, you can’t see outside of it? That you forget how easily you can snap out of it if you just pause, take a damn breath, and acknowledge those feelings?

It’s the age-old idiom of being unable to see the forest for the trees.

Once you can bring awareness around those feelings, you can begin to get curious and ask yourself why you might be feeling that way, doing it with compassion instead of judgment. Why, really why, are you having those thoughts? What is your body feeling? What do you need? What is your inner child trying to tell you, and what do they need?

When I did snap out of it, I was frustrated. Frustrated because I know exactly how this works, but got trapped anyway. Frustrated that I allowed these old patterns and feelings to resurface. Frustrated with how long it took me to come back to my senses because it was SO easy to start feeling better once I did.

But then, I was proud.

Proud because this time, it took way less time than the last time.

And the time before that.

And the time before that.

You see…the more you do this, the better it works and the easier it gets each time.

It’s spiraling up.

When I got past this frustration and fully grasped how all of the overthinking and negative thoughts were only triggered because of this situation and not my actual reality, I thought back to a meditation on self-compassion I had done a week prior.

Walking down the street, I put my hand to my heart, gave my chest a little pat, breathed intentionally, and told my inner child (who I’ve named Little Sunshine) that she was okay.

Now, did that magically solve all of my problems? No. And it doesn’t always work, either. But this time, it brought an incredible amount of comfort. That was the moment that I started feeling some compassion for myself and could release the negativity loop's grip.

I still roamed the streets that night, passing the same restaurants with a familiar anxiety. I was still poking my head in, trying to find the one that looked the least intimidating to sit down solo. But this time, I had a smidge more patience for myself.

The next night, I chose to go to a restaurant I had been to previously because it was the easiest way to avoid wandering around for an hour and eating so late again. I knew exactly what to expect, so I was able to go in without too much anxiety.

I didn’t consider it brave; I considered it safe. So, I didn’t think to give myself any credit. I ate my Pepián in a small, now crowded restaurant while editing a video, paid, and left. Not too shabby.

On Thursday, I had the bi-weekly call for my coaching container and updated them about some of the struggles I’d been having. Their genuine love, encouragement, and reminders of how far I’ve come and how amazing what I’m doing is are when it really sunk in.

I didn’t give myself enough credit.

I didn’t get myself enough credit for actually choosing a restaurant. It doesn’t matter that I had been there before. I still chose.

I didn’t give myself enough credit for recognizing how awful I felt because of how long it took for me to turn it around. But I did recognize it, and I moved through it quicker than before.

I didn’t give myself enough credit for pulling myself out of the spiral before it consumed me because I was so frustrated that it happened in the first place and that I toyed with the idea of staying there for a while. But I did pull myself out, and I (re)learned a couple of things.

Don’t dismiss the little wins. Don’t dim them with “yeah, but…,” because these seemingly minuscule and irrelevant moments build on each other, pushing you toward bigger leaps and helping you embrace discomfort instead of shying away from it.

When you can show gratitude for any level of progress, that’s when it all starts to shift.

That evening, I walked into Toko Baru and genuinely enjoyed a meal by myself. As I ate my Rendang curry (which was delicious, by the way), I couldn’t help but have this weird grin and feel a huge sense of pride for something so seemingly silly. But I was.

But you know what? All of this will happen again.

Whether it’s in another city where I’m completely alone or a totally different scenario. I’m comforted (at least in this moment) in knowing that I can and will, eventually, always come back to my breath and my self…again and again.

I’ll end it with this:

It was never just about eating alone. It’s never actually about what’s physically happening in front of you.

It’s about the stories you’ve created in your head and the meaning you’ve attached to the moment. Your reaction to your outer experience is always a reflection of the inner fears, subconscious beliefs, or emotions that need to be seen, held, and released.

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